Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Our past can have a significant impact on our present and future if we let it! Our conditioning contributes to how we perceived the world and others based on our predominant experiences when we were growing up. For example, if we were consistently loved and adored as we were growing up, we are likely to have the belief that the world loves and adores us. If we are sending that energy out into the world, that is what will be reflected back to us.
Be at least as interested in what goes on inside you as what happens outside. If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place. ~ Eckhart Tolle
However if our father abandoned us when we were five or so (when we process the world emotionally as the logical centres of our brain are not yet developed), life could be quite a different experience. If we were not supported in processing and expressing our emotions at that time—our anger, sadness or hurt—by our mother or the other main caregivers, we may repress (push down) those feelings and take on unconsciously the belief that “the men I love abandon me.”
It is common in a relationship when the excitement and initial blind attraction has “worn off,” our repressed feeling surfaces for healing. Our awareness around these feelings can assist us in getting through the most challenging or most rewarding time of our life. How aware or conscious you are will give you the ability to choose your behaviours and the resulting consequences. At this point, it is common for partners to go their separate ways as they discover their partner’s reactions, driven by their conditioning, confusing, frustrating or overwhelming (or all three).
It is also possible to continue the journey together, supporting each other, as you work through your unconscious patterns of behaviour to discover a new level of love and intimacy far greater than you ever could have imagined! This journey can help to facilitate you living life in a natural, loving, and connected way.
We are conditioned to believe by those around us, our culture and products of our culture, that someone “out there” is going to make us entirely happy or complete us: we just have to find that someone, be with them, and we will be whole again! Our partner can be the perfect person for us, but not in the way we might think.
Our soul has an innate desire to be whole, healthy, and happy. Our thoughts and what is happening emotionally in our external world (a reflection of our inner world) are all pointers and opportunities if we observe them consciously to take us on our journey home to wholeness.
Your partner or soul mate can facilitate that journey home when the initial attraction phase or a relationship has passed, and any unhealed aspects of our psyche are coming to the surface for healing.
It is important to learn to be mindful and compassionate with yourself and your partner when confronted with reactive behaviour. That is, being angry or withdrawing from your partner (fight or flight) during challenging situations rather than responding in a way they would like, is not beneficial.
These reactions, based on our conditioning, our unresolved feelings, and limited beliefs or patterns have come to the surface for healing. So, in fact, we often do find the perfect partner who will allow us to “feel whole again.” Large doses of compassion and wisdom are the qualities required to support us on the journey in a conscious way.
In balance with being able to give each other space and support while we work through our reactions, we may need to retrain our mind to develop a positive mindset and facilitate a deep appreciation of each other. Developing truly fulfilling relationships with others begins with a peaceful and loving relationship with ourselves. This process can mean learning to love and appreciate all of the different aspects of us by confronting them and moving through any fear to feel peaceful.
Rather than expecting, or even sometimes demanding, that our partner fills any sense of abandonment or unworthiness we may feel, developing the skills to heal the unrest or fear we may feel allows us to feel strong and empowered. If we can become independent and achieve emotional mastery, then any love we receive from our partner or others is just a bonus to the already complete loving sense we have of ourselves.