Experience a powerful ah-ha moment—a moment of deep understanding about what healing is really about.
Allyson and Jonathan are sitting in front of me at a 5-Day Intensive. Married for 2 years, they have lost the passion and fun they once had, and they cannot understand why.
As I sit with them and experience what I call their relationship system, I see that what Jonathan does when he feels lonely around Allyson is to abandon himself by getting hard and judgmental or by shutting down. I see that what Allyson does when she feels lonely around Jonathan is to abandon herself by disconnecting from herself, leaving her heart and going up into her head. I see that Allyson’s disconnection makes Jonathan feel lonely, and Jonathan’s judgment and withdrawal crush Allyson.
These are two open, caring, loving people. They love each other very much. But because they are each abandoning themselves by protecting against their core feelings of loneliness and heartbreak, of feeling shattered and crushed by the other’s protections, they are not only causing themselves suffering, they are behaving unlovingly to each other, causing the core pain in each other that they are each trying to avoid through their protections.
I point this out to them, and I see the light come on in their eyes…
I ask Allyson to put her hand on her heart, breathing into the pain of feeling crushed by Jonathan’s judgment and withdrawal. I ask her to open to her guidance and ask for the compassion of her guidance to be with her. I ask her to be very tender, gentle, kind, understanding and caring with herself. She does this, and the heaviness lifts. There is a beautiful smile on her face.
I ask Jonathan to do the same thing, embracing the loneliness he feels when Allyson disconnects, closing her heart and going into her head. I ask him to invite in compassion from his spiritual guidance. He does this, and I see his face softening, his heart opening, his eyes becoming gentle, and then a big smile on his face. Allyson and Jonathan look at each other in wonder as the love flows through them and they create a circle of love.
I hear a few gasps around the room…
“Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Something big just happened here! Are you saying that if we stay open to the core pain with compassion toward ourselves, we bypass suffering?”
I’m overjoyed that people are experiencing the magic of this!
“Yes! Everyone is so terrified of the core existential pain of life that we’ve all spent most of our life avoiding it. We believe that because we could not handle it as children, we can’t handle it now. And this is so untrue. We CAN handle it – but only with Spirit. We cannot handle it alone. And when we compassionately handle it with Spirit, we have no need to judge, withdraw, disconnect, criticize, get angry, resist, or turn to substance or process addictions. We bypass all the things we do that cause our suffering.”
“Wow!” “OMG!” “This is the missing piece!” “This is it—this is what I need to learn to do!” The energy around the room was incredible as people FELT and EXPERIENCED the truth of this.
This is the heart of healing.
As you learn and practice Inner Bonding, developing your spiritual connection and your loving adult, and becoming aware of all the ways you learned to protect against your own core pain, you become strong enough to embrace it. Then you discover that, with the compassion that comes through from Spirit, the core pain moves through you rather than getting stuck in you.
Some incredibly painful situations, such as the loss of a loved one though death, challenge us to embrace the pain over and over, each time it comes up. Other situations, like the one between Allyson and Jonathan, resolve quickly with no residue. In either case, protecting against the pain causes suffering, while embracing it with compassion brings relief and healing.