What Prevents You from Loving Yourself?

woman depressingly sits alone in room face on knees holding white mug crying
by Dr. Margaret Paul

How often is the question, “What is loving to myself and others—what is in my highest good and the highest good of another?” the question that guides your actions? Is there something in the way of you asking this question? What is the fear that gets in the way of loving yourself?

Ethan’s fear is that “If I open to loving, I will be weak and then easily taken advantage of. I might lose my sharpness in business and then lose money. Business people will see that I’m a soft touch and run right over me.”

Ethan’s wounded self does not believe that if his strong, spiritually connected loving adult is in charge, he will be more powerful than he is now. He does not believe that by being tuned into his spiritual Guidance, he will be able to know when someone is trying to take advantage of him, and when someone is coming from integrity. Because Ethan spends most of his time trying to control, he does not have faith in his spiritual Guidance. He is afraid to open, afraid it will lead him astray, afraid of losing what he has. As a result, Ethan spends most of his life in stress, leading to physical and emotional pain. He is unhappy with this, but not unhappy enough to risk opening to loving. He is stuck.

Alexis is stuck in her cycle of anger at her husband. In her mind, she knows that her controlling, blaming anger is pushing him away, yet she fears that “If I let go of the control, he will end up making a fool of me. The only way I can be safe from him doing something behind my back, like having an affair, is to keep a tight rein on him.” Alexis’s husband, Noah, has been staying away more and more, and coming home later and later. He doesn’t want to be around the anger. The more he stays away, the angrier Alexis gets. She is terrified to let go and see what will happen. Having a huge abandonment issue, and not doing the inner work to take care of herself, she is very afraid he will leave her. Rather than risk this, she keeps doing the very thing that pushes Noah away, while her fears continue to grow.

Connor is constantly holding back his love with his wife, Madison. When Madison comes with an open heart and loving eyes, Connor shrinks back from even looking at her. “If I look at her and open to her, it feels as if she will suck out my very soul and have total control over me. I just get so terrified of completely losing myself. I feel bad because I know how much I hurt Madison with my withholding, but I can’t seem to stay open to loving her or loving myself.” Conner does not believe that if he opens to loving, he will have a powerful enough adult that he cannot be taken over and controlled.

Each of these people are terrified at losing something—losing themselves, losing the other, losing face, losing money, losing power. None of them have the faith that if they open to loving themselves and others, they will be supported by the vast power of Spirit. None of them are willing to risk opening to loving and seeing what happens. As a result, they cannot create a strong enough connection with their spiritual Guidance to know that their fears are not based on truth, but on their false beliefs.

Two things would need to happen for them to change:

1.  They would need to be willing to risk having their worst fears happen. Until they are willing to find out whether or not their fears are based on truth, they will be stuck avoiding them. When they finally say, “Okay, if I’m abandoned, made a fool of, taken advantage of or completely controlled by another, so be it. Living this way isn’t working so I’m willing to see what will happen if I open,” then they will open to learning and loving.

2.  When they decide that the spiritual journey of becoming a loving human being is more important than whether or not they are hurt, rejected, controlled, or made a fool of, then they will open. As long as they believe that the earthly journey of getting and controlling is more important than the spiritual journey of learning and loving, they will stay stuck.

Your soul remembers your spiritual journey. Your soul yearns to love and share love. Your soul yearns for the lightness of being that comes from opening to love. If you diligently practice Inner Bonding, you will eventually connect with the deep desires of your soul and open your heart.

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