The Secret to Loving Relationships

long curly hair girl looks herself in mirror
by Vance Larson

You will only attract a love, equal to the love that you show yourself. If you get honest with yourself, you will see this pattern play out, throughout your life. I am not talking about the “hook ups” that you may have experienced in your life. I am talking about the people that you pick to be your partner. I am asked several times a month, “What is the secret to my long term marriage?” The answer is that, because I did a tremendous amount of internal work, I would not settle for anything less than what I know I deserve. 

Growing up I had a lot of relationships. However, it wasn’t until my early 30’s that I started thinking about what I wanted in a relationship. Then I thought, what do I bring to a relationship? It was an ah-ha moment. Being totally honest with myself (which was hard), I could see that the women that I dated were a mirror to me. They weren’t bad women. In fact, most of them were really good. They were just bad for me. Why? Because when I got honest with myself, I saw that I truly was only putting maybe 70% into the relationship. That may seem like a high number. However, it was not a number that I was comfortable spending the rest of my life with. Boom!
Sometimes it takes time for a person to truly show us who they are. This is not a reflection on you. This actually happens quite often. Have you ever noticed that one couple that has been together for years, and they are highly toxic for each other? You know the couple I am talking about. It’s the one friend that is always complaining about their significant other, yet is never willing to do anything about it. It is the same story over and over again, and despite your best efforts, they continue to stay toxic. Why? Because they probably don’t feel that they deserve any better. 
Why do some long term couples end up breaking up? People who grow, sometimes grow apart. However in this scenario, you can usually spot the couple that has separated, but remained on good terms. I like to call this the “good break up”. It’s good because, two healthy people moved on with their lives knowing (and respecting) that they both deserve and require more. No ill feelings. Because they picked a partner who loved on their level, they understood that their time had concluded. They walked away with fond memories and a mutual respect. 
They way that we love ourselves, is literally a beacon of light that is showing the world how to love us. You know it’s kind of like the saying, “You want to know what you future looks like? Look at the 5 people you spend the most time with.” When we truly love ourselves, we force our circle to level up. And we do this because we force ourselves to level up. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends with people who aren’t on your wave length. It means your ride or die tribe, will bring out the best version of you. Likewise the partner that you pick, will bring out the best in you… in a loving and supportive way. If they don’t, be brave enough to take a hard look at yourself. It won’t be easy, and it certainly won’t be fun. All I can tell you is, that it will be worth it.
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