I was in the midst of an 18 hour day yesterday. A full day of case management, and then my coaching practice in the evening. My last client of the night recently got divorced, and was talking about communication with her ex husband. She said that she would be polite, but she has no interest in listening to his apology, or blame. By the time they reached out to me for coaching and mediation, it was far too late. They reached out previously, but did not come in. When they finally did, both agreed that the relationship was over about 10 years ago. So I asked, “Why are we here today?”
When something is over, I find it is best not to rehash it over and over in the mind. It is time to change that tape. So my client said that she already mourned the relationship ending years ago. I told her you can’t bury the dead twice. She mourned. She was in a good spot now. She had no time, nor energy to discuss the past with him. She made peace with the divorce. And now it was her time to create a new future.
How many of us try to bury the dead twice? Something has been on the verge of ending, but we don’t let it. We keep talking and complaining about it without offering new ideas or a changed mindset. When its over, its over. But we don’t let it die. Call it pride, being stubborn or simply afraid of change. But when its over, we should bury it. We don’t dig it up and try and breathe life back into it. We don’t bury the dead twice.
It took my client a decade to get there. But she did. And she knew it. She feels light and free. Has a new purpose in life. In no way does she want to engage in digging up the dead. What’s beautiful about her process is that she is completely at peace. She speaks with great affection of her ex husband, but she realizes that life moves on. And she would be better served letting the dead be buried.
But to not grieve at all, is just unhealthy.
So I ask, “What are you holding onto that should be buried?” Change can be difficult. And people grieve in different ways. But to not grieve at all, is just unhealthy. Put down the dead. Bury the dying. Learn to release and move into acceptance. Because if you don’t. You simply are trying to bury the dead twice.