How to Go Beyond Resentment and Jealousy

couple facing backward sits on field while woman lying on boyfriend shoulder
by Vance Larson

I am often asked what my best advice is when entering a new relationship? Without hesitation it is to check your baggage at the door.

So many people enter into a new relationship with unresolved issues from the last. Not only is that not fair to your current partner, it is also self sabotaging. If you knew that you had a tire that had a leak and would go flat in about a month (if you didn’t tend to it), would you put that tire on a new car? The answer is of course not. There would be no valid reason to do so. Because if you did, although the car was new, it wouldn’t get very far after a month because the tire would go flat. Same principle holds true with a relationship.

If you know that you are carrying around resentments, jealousy or fear from a past relationship, would you not want to address them prior to entering into the next? And the answer to that is, of course you would. But many of us don’t. We somehow think that we magically will have a different experience with someone new. Is that possible? Yes of course it is. But with a limited skill-set, we more often than not will make the same mistakes from the old relationship.

I have lectured on this countless times. We cannot build a new future when we’re refusing to let go of the past. It takes a new thought process and desire to construct something that we have never had before. We have to take an honest look at out part in the constructing of a shaky building. We have to realize that while it may have looked sound on the outside, the foundation was not secure. Our focal point this time around should be a secure foundation that can withstand the storms. Not tumble after the first few.

We build because we want something to last.

How do we do that? We do that by knowing who we are and what we deserve. We take our time and select the best materials before we start building. We make sure that we have the knowledge to build a structure that has integrity. We don’t just build for the sake of building. We build because we want something to last. And if we don’t know how to do that. We seek help from a qualified professional.

So the next time you feel like building, take a look at your past. Did you have some success withstanding the storms? Or, is there pile after pile of bricks laying on the ground? Because if you’re going to be an architect of a successful relationship, you’re going to have to check your baggage at the door.

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