You know, I’ve been in the mental health industry for almost 4 decades. I’ve been with my wife for 2 decades, and the one thing that I see over and over again is Relationships. The noise is almost deafening, many people are complaining about how relationships are hard. But are they really ???
Marriage and relationships are just like anything else. What you put into them, is what you get out of them. Whenever we gather 2 or more people together, of course, there will be disagreements. But disagreements aren’t necessarily bad. It’s more how they are communicated. The saying, “it’s not what you say, but how you say it” applies here. So when I look back at my 40 years of mental health work, and the 20 years of being married, there are definitely things that most successful couples do, that make marriage seem effortless. Let’s take a look at a few.
Every relationship and marriage is going to look different. And that is probably the single most important thing to remember. Do not compare your love to the love of another. Yeah, all that social media you see about happy couples…I’m not going to say that it’s not real, but what I am going to say is that you never really know. It’s not wise to use that as a barometer for your relationship, because you really don’t, it’s not science. In fact, many times it’s a show. Be that as it may, What works for one relationship, doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for all relationships.
I like basic. And some things will never go out of style, like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. Time under your belt in a relationship doesn’t mean being over saying please and thank you. To this day, I still say to my wife, “Thank you for marrying me” several times a month. 20 years later, I know she’s not going anywhere. And truth be told, I don’t say it to make her feel good {although I am glad it does.}, I say it because it is true. She has opened me up to a world that I probably would have never gotten to explore. Trust me, hearing please and thank you is a currency that every relationship needs.
Another big one to a marriage made easy is, that we have got to get back to yes. When we first started dating, how many of us would say yes, to just about anything that they wanted? Why did that stop? When did we rise above the “yes”? It’s like saying yes, we somehow feel as though we are relinquishing power. We’re not. We’re actually reinforcing it. Yes is a powerful affirmation that says we’re united. I have sat with hundreds of couples over the course of the years, and it seemed like yes wasn’t even in their vocabulary. We’ve got to get back to yes. And while there is no proper ratio to saying yes, I believe saying yes, should be the majority. It’s impossible to put a number on it. But if I were, I would say 3 to 1….just thinking out loud in real-time.
What am I trying to say in summary? There are literally thousands of ways to make marriage easy. Relationships too. The point that I am making is, to do them. And do them without delay. We overcomplicate things. We make up stories in our heads as if we know what the other person is thinking. {Long-term relationship…yes, we get it right many times. But to not talk about it and get it wrong is a rookie mistake.} And please never be above the apology either. And remember, the relationship is not about who is right. It’s about what is right.
So get back to basics. And if you can, you too will find a marriage made easy.
Book a one-on-one session with Vance Larson, C.H.H.C., M.Ht, and CTC Life, Life coach and counselor here.
